Sunday, August 7, 2016

We ordered the night "to go"


We're working on creative writing in English, and I've been messing around with poetry. Since I don't have time to write a blog post, I thought I'd share one I've been working on. Feedback would be most welcome!


Thoughts tumbling over each other, crossing paths
About what it means to be you, to be me, to be us
About what I means to put down our crosses and thorns, to say sorry.

Thoughts like tumbleweed on the plain of our silence
What we could have, should have, would have said
Before we choose pride over each other.

Thoughts like my nightmares, lingering in the light
Assuring us that if the other had just spoken first-
We'd be fine, of course.

Thoughts like goldfish in a glass bowl
Saying the same thing over and over and over
While going no real place at all.

Thoughts hitting us like the raging sea
We ordered the night "to go"
As if it came in a slightly grease stained bag.

Thoughts leaking from my eyes and down my checks
We lost our innocence in that first, textbook fight
Is it true a load shared is half as light?


 Do you like it? What would you change about it? What parts would you edit? 
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Opal is thinking of eating her textbooks to gain knowledge faster. 

10 comments:

  1. Ooh, I love this poem, Opal. I also take a creative writing class (and, you know, two literature classes, newspaper and a fiction writing club) but I love how it challenges me to write in different ways. I would say that it seems like you have a pattern (i.e. for the first two stanzas the first line is thoughts the seconds variation on words, and the third a realisation,) and then that pattern doesn't continue? I don't know.... just a thought, it's so hard to assess poetry.

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    1. That's so cool! Thank you for pointing that out Shanti!

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  2. This is gorgeous <3 I love the pattern you have.

    Ellie | On the Other Side of Reality

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  3. This is nice, Opal! I think my favorite line is "As if it came in a slightly grease stained bag." because it's such a vivid image in the poem. Thanks for sharing it with us!

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  4. This is beautiful! I love the pattern, and it all flows together so well. You should definitely keep messing around with poetry. :)

    Serena
    poetree {blog} | editing services

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