Wednesday, July 30, 2014

How High School's Treating Me

I can still remember the day I decided to attend high school. After craft group I got into the car with my mum, slightly angry, mostly defeated. I felt forced out of my safe place, rejected by people I considered to be friends. As I looked out of the car window, I finally admitted defeat and asked my mum to enrol me.  Just do it.
I can still remember my first day of high school. I had to wear a skirt, it was warm, my jersey was itchy, I was hungry. We had to arrange a place to meet to we could all keep together. Safety of a herd I guess. I remember my first class, English, and meeting someone I had known existed for a long time but would now become a friend. I remember meeting others who would also become my friends.

I can remember thinking how I am going to live like this?

The repeat cycle of the day, and before I knew it, I had been at high school for 6 weeks. I got used to telling people which school I went to, I got used to the uniform. Life settled into a pattern I could handle. The work wasn't challenging, allowing me some slack as I settled in.

I made friends with those in my classes, bit my tongue over numerous things (small talk holds no interest for me). I tracked my credits, compared them with others in my classes. I become established as the Christian resident. It took me a while to realise that, and the reporting of several instances when I had been bought up in a conversation. You're my nice Christian friend.

You get used to the fact that some people will never like you, will never talk to or approach you. My main reason for leaving home school was because in the close knit society of girls that I was part of, I became the outcast.  In school, there are groups of people like me. Most of them are long established, some accept me.

I have a friend who I can talk things over with at the end of the day and be completely honest with, and I know it won't go any further. I have a friend who loves to read, and has loaned me books. I have a friend who likes to joke around and we work together in the classes we share. I have a friend who doesn't speak very good English but is incredibly smart. I have a friend who provides daily drama, needed or not.

And in the good times of life, what more could I ask for? I have been blessed with the ability to keep my calm when the whole class disagrees with what I believe in. I have a best friend, even though she goes to a different school, we remain best friends. My family life is happy.

And it is of course, during those good times that you are most open to collapse. Many factors contributed to mine - a bad drama performance, coming off a high from seeing HorseFrenzy, stress from looking after my sister for almost 3 weeks while my parents were away, tests, mocks, inability to sleep, trying to not let any of this show as I turned up at school each day.

It almost happened in English, but I managed to keep going for a few more hours. It happened in drama, I couldn't bring myself to go back onto the stage to do a basic exercise, and I didn't even want to be at school. I left in a hurry, and didn't return to the class. I went back to school the next day, but I didn't have drama class. I am at home today, and I don't know how I will go back tomorrow.

I don't know how I will face my teacher, my class or the questions. All I know is that right now, I need God more than ever, and prayer.

So high school is treating me ok, but sometimes we all need a break, and it took me a while to figure that out. Here' a cool song for yall while I try to relax (It might happen yet).