Thursday, November 20, 2014

Life, and Other messy Things (Part 3)

Well my last post stirred up some comments... But that's good, its good that we can think about these things.  I do think I came across in the wrong way about home schooling. I still harbour negative thoughts toward it, and I think that it came out quite... Blandly? Harshly? Negativity? I will clear it up, perhaps not in this post though, because more negativity headed your way. I'm sorry. 

Here goes, part 3. 

In my forth year of home schooling things started to change. I began to notice that all the girls my age were interested in getting married, they had no other goals. Boys. Always boys. And they talked about them all the time. It's not that I do not see boys, or that I don't like them. Its just that I'm not really interested in guessing at what someone feels for you, and letting that run how you behave. It'll happen when it does, wont it? 

And I began to feel the burn of hypocrisy. These nice Christian girls weren't interested in following what they said they believed, and I was (although I was terrible at it, in a different way). I began to lose respect for them in huge shreds. When I looked at non-Christians, at least they were acting out what they believed. That, to me, was the important part. 

Other changes started happening. I got a pump, and it was several awful months until we got it customised to my body properly. I stopped growing, I pretty much lost my appetite all of a sudden. The pump meant I didn't have to eat every 3 hours, so I lost a lot of weight very quickly. 

I began to feel different in a way I still can't explain, almost constantly. The idea of leaving the house and going to things made me feel nervous. I hit some pretty low points. I felt out of control of my body, feelings and social environment. I started to control other things in my life- pretty much anything I could.

My parents also paid for me to do two Cambridge exams, and for the first time I felt the addictive pull to be constantly learning and expanding my mind. I think my mother noticed this, because she took me to a university open day. Horse Frenzy and her mum came as well, and we both collected endless brochures and  excitedly exchanged possible career paths and which NCEA subjects we would need.  

I knew where this was going. I had slammed the car door on my mum earlier in the year when she said she was thinking about enrolling me in the all girls school, of which I had been to the open day several years previously and detested it. I argued and fought with my parents over where my life was going. 

A few weeks after the university open day, Horse Frenzy was enrolled at a public high school for 2014, where her brother already studied. I was still trying to fight the idea of public high school, but home schooling without Horse Frenzy was pretty much unimaginable. Then, my sister and I went to the open day of a 750 student, coed public high school. 

I couldn't believe my eyes. Here, the teachers were young, the students friendly, and most importantly the learning environment... There was no words to describe the feeling. Walking into one of the science classrooms was like coming home. I meet my future science teacher, whom to I described what was happening in her flask, the math teacher who would later aid me with my studying and my future form teacher. 

I did a half day at the school, and soaked up everything I learnt- which admittedly, intellectually was nothing, but socially, was a lot. Another nerve-wracking home school event later, and I got in the car and said 'mum, ring the school first thing tomorrow morning, and enrol me.' 

I couldn't understand it. How could I walk into a science classroom of strangers, stand up the front and say hi, feeling at home, but walking into a home schooling event made my hands shake and question everything I did?

There was a lot going on underneath all of these events, these events are like the damaged buildings after an earthquake, what I haven't talked about the plate tectonics that were going on to cause them. 

This is becoming rather long, isn't it? Stay tuned for part 4. There is going to be a whole pile of feelings going down. Quiet cry of agony because this is not natural. 

You seem somewhat familiar, have I threatened you before?


  1. The perspective gets more fascinating with every post... :/ It sucks that you went through such a rocky time, but it also seems like it's heading up? I would hope so. Maybe? You'll have to keep sharing the story, because stories are fascinating and we just gotta know.

    (On a completely unrelated note that is a perfectly gorgeous picture of mountains and a field and I would like to know where it came from.)

    1. I took the picture a few years ago, the field is right behind my house, and the mountains run parallel to our property (although we live in the foothills, what you can see is about a 5 minute drive away).

      Thank you for all your comments so far, they have encouraged me to keep sharing :)

  2. wow... i literally have no words.... amazing ♡ i really am enjoying these posts..

    i was homeschooled for two years, and I had no social life. or no friends. i really don't know where i stand there. were you nervous first day of public high school? :)

    1. Thank you so much! I'm glad that you are enjoying them.

      I thought I would be, but I wasn't really nervous, there was more dread that I would mess something up. Looking back, I surprise myself with the confidence that I had when I got off the bus for the first time. I think it was because I felt very much at peace with what I was doing, I knew that it was the right thing to be doing.

  3. Love that last line. ;)
    BTW, I think these posts are very interesting. Not that your other posts aren't interesting or anything, of course. :)

    1. Jack Sparrow has many lines I love to quote :)

      Thank you! I don't mind if you think these posts are more interesting that what I usually do- some of my posts are going to be more than interesting than others.

      They have defiantly been interesting to write!