Saturday, November 22, 2014

Life, and Other Messy Things (Part 4)

I want to take a moment to thank everyone who is reading these and commenting. I know I haven't replied, except to the ones on part 3, and I'm sorry about that. I did enjoy reading them though, they make me smile. I think that there will be only one or two more parts after this.

Why am I not interested in talking about boys? Why was I interested in following what I believed? What was making me feel different? Why did I suddenly become interested in learning about the world around me? Why was I more at home at school that at social events with people I had known for four years?

I have never meet a girl who is immune to what boys seem to do to us. It's weird. It turns friends against friends, and hours are wasted speculating on what so and so thinks of us. I am not immune to it, and it was this that partly made me reject wanting to talk about them.

My INTJ personality was starting to heavily develop at the time this started happening, and I could no longer stand, yet alone easily carry out small talk. Hiding my emotions, which I naturally did became more important. Not only did I hide them, I did not want to talk about them at all. I wasn't going to 'feel' anything for so and so if I could help it, and even if I did, there was no way I was going to talk about it. I would refuse to acknowledge it.

These girls, sharing what they felt and speculating over the feelings being returned made me sick. How could they be so openly weak? Did they really trust each other that much? I was at the point where being hurt by these girls and other things in my life, that I denied trust to anyone who came knocking.

Now that most of my friends were dropping from my life like flies, I began to understand the concept of being lonely. I still had Horse Frenzy, and we were keeping in regular contact, (thanks heavens!!) but because of the distance from her place to mine, we went (and still do) go for months without seeing each other. I had led a very socially active life, and now I felt isolated by the differences between me and these girls especially when I left the house.

I hit rock bottom one day, pretty much screaming at God, blaming him for everything that I thought was wrong with my life. God and I had a life long relationship with each other, I come from a Christian home and I called myself a Christian. I owned a bible, attended a girls group, I went to church and didn't swear, I dressed modestly and had the Lords Prayer memorised . I was, on the outside, the model of nice Christian girl.

On the inside, it was different. I went through a stage in my early teens when I was almost always praying about something in my head. After a while I realised that I just just constantly asking God for something, which is not what praying is about. When I realised this, I pretty much stopped praying altogether. I felt dirty in many ways, but I was so ashamed I couldn't admit it to anyone, and I blamed myself for it.

I constantly felt angry at myself, the people in my life and God. When I looked at all the home schoolers I knew, they seemed perfect, even if I didn't like the amount of time they spent talking about boys, at least they lead clean lives, and weren't lying about it. Every time I stepped into a church or went to girls group, I felt guilty, because I knew God and I hardly knew each other any more, and it was my fault.

Inside I was slowly drowning in what I suppose you could call depression. I lost hours and hours of sleep, just lying in my bed, my mind blank. I could smile and laugh, but I didn't know if I meant it any more. It caused part of the loss in my appetite. I'm not going to lie, there were times when I wondered why I didn't just end it.

And that scared me, that I could think like that.

And I knew that there was only one thing that could change that, and that was to go back to God. It took me a long time to humble myself enough, but one day I did. I realised that while what was going on inside me was hurting me, and my relationships, mostly it was hurting God. I became a real Christian that night.

It took me a long time to feel better about myself, and I knew that if I was going to move on from everything, I needed to leave home schooling, because the people in it probably weren't going to change. When I stepped into the public school, none of them knew anything about me. That was nice. While no one knew what had been going on inside me, here with these people, none of them could possibly guess. When I stepped into a home schooling event though, I felt judged because there was non-Christians in my friend group, and  I had changed a lot and they didn't know why.

I longed for a fresh start with new people, who would accept me for who I was, even if they knew nothing about me. This environment did not exist in the home schooling circle, even if I was now a real Christian. And so I took a leap and my mother enrolled me at public high school.

I haven't looked back since. I applied the principles in Do hard Things to my life, instead of just reading the book. I wanted to learn everything that I could all of a sudden, I wanted to know everything, I wanted to go out and live life. Doing the Cambridge exams fuelled this, but it was having God back in my life that made me feel alive, because in the end, he is the life-giver, and he loved me, even at my darkest.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 
-Romans 5:8


  1. I too know what it is to struggle with God in my daily life—but it's cool that you chose to rely on Him rather than fall away. Keeping the faith, choosing public school, and deciding to do hard things? That's awesome!

    And, I gotta say, the verse is perfect... It's insane to think of what our Jesus did for us, insane to imagine that he gave us grace. :)

    1. Thanks :) It's working out to be pretty awesome :))

      It is! It's becoming more amazing the more I think about it.

  2. Although I couldn't imagine leaving home-schooling, I think it's pretty cool what you did. It is really good to hear about stories that sound a lot like mine, and to know that others went or are going through the same thing. :)

    1. Thank you :)
      Its good to get comments from those who are going/were going through the same thing as well :)
      It can be easy, I think, to think that we are the only one who struggles with something, but really, with 7 billion people on earth, its quite likely someone else is going through the same thing.