Saturday, April 18, 2015

4am

“The world is indeed comic, but the joke is on mankind.” 
—H.P. Lovecraft


Do you ever wonder about life
Wonder if its passing you by?
Because I do.

I watch people have 'fun', let lose
And I wish I could be like that...
But I can't.

Push away your own feelings
Sadness, worry, anger
To keep people in your life.

I suppose the stars
Look down on me
As one of their own.

I watch people with their friends
And I wonder how they know
They really are friends.

I watch people with their boyfriends and girlfriends
And I wonder how they know
They really love them.

I listen to sad music
And wallow in it
Sad is sometimes all I can feel.

Don't mock me for being
A good girl
Just because I am and you can't understand.

Does you sadness split into anger
Like glucose into Pyruvic acid during glycolysis
And eat at you?

Do you feel them
The reservoir of tears
Waiting.

Stare 4am in the face
Laugh when it asks
Are you lonely or in love?

Look in the mirror
The lips that smile
Are just a shadow.

What happens when someone you thought a friend
Shows their real hand
And you made the losing bet?

Sometimes I think that everyone I love
Is indifferent to me
A use me when you need me kind of deal.

I look at life even with
God
And wonder at its meaning.

I can be a sad human being.
And there's nothing you can do about that.


Sometimes I wonder why I am a Christian. It's hard watching everyone else have 'fun' and having to sit out of it because you know it is sinful. It's hard to read my Bible. It's hard to obey my parents. It's hard not to yell and get angry and feel hate. It's hard to try my best at everything. It's hard not to throw my youth away. It's hard when people do things to you that you wouldn't do to them. It's hard when other Christians are all pretending to be perfect.

I guess thats what I was writing about, not necessarily about religion but -

It's not easy, it's okay to struggle, you're not the only one. 
  _______________________________________________________________________________________
Opal has been in a quote-y mood lately. She's been in a weird headspace, caught between other people lives and her own, caught between a desire to learn and a dislike of assigned learning, caught between her head and her heart. 
She apologises for two miserable blog posts in a row. 

16 comments:

  1. I LOVE THIS you don't understand because I understand and I completely relate. It's easy to get on your knees and go "okay, so like Jesus Christ is my Savior and everything" and then get right back up and go on with your love. But living as a Christian teenager every day is a really big struggle, a bigger struggle than people think. Right now my personal spiritual life is a mess and I'm constantly praying that God will pull me out of it. But I'm starting to think He's not going to pull me out; He wants me to go through this so I can be tougher.

    Okay. So an entire paragraph all about my life. Wow. Why do I always do this?

    O | Life as a Young Lady

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    1. It is very easy to do that, and to often I see youth just being "Sunday Christians" or "Youth Group Christians" rather than being 24/7 Christians. It is a struggle, especially when you go to a public school or are mostly in a non-Christian environment.
      Same here- I'm not sure whats happening, but I guess I just have to have faith :)

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  2. Ok, so this whole post was just awesome, but that last paragraph hit me. Like, wow, I'm not the only one who struggles to be a Christian? woah...ok. It's crazy difficult sometimes.... everything my heart says it wants to do is "sinful", but my conscience is back there, plugging away. And what you said about throwing your youth away....oh, that, THAT is 100% relatable. thank you for this post =)

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    1. You're not the only one! I often feel like I am as well, especially since I don't actually know many Christians. Arg, same, sometimes I really dislike my conscience. I know that I will always turn back to God, but sometimes it's a real struggle.
      Thank you! :)

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  3. How beautiful and encouraging this post truly was. Sometimes I feel the exact same way, and it's soo hard.
    So thank you so much for this post <3
    -Lauren
    lovingourcreator.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you :) I feel constantly guilty when everything isn't good in my spiritual life and it is super hard.
      Welcome :))

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  4. This is something that is hard for me, to watch others do such fun things while sitting here and wait. This stanza though, "Push away your own feelings / Sadness, worry, anger / To keep people in your life" is one that resonates with me so much because that's how I am. I'm not one who likes arguments, and I always have to act as a middle ground when I'm with friends. A lot of times in my life, I'm always not allowed to do certain things and I'm constantly disappointed. Sigh. But thank you for this.

    xoxo Morning

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    1. I didn't often feel left out before I started high school, but now that I have secular friends, it's much harder.
      I'm glad that you can relate- it's nice to know I'm not the only one! I enjoy a good debate, but not an argument and I often push what I think away to avoid them.

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  5. Shout out to the glycolysis reference; AP Bio for the win. I know what you mean, though. Being a Christian sort of sucks. It's something to deal with. But it's also kind of nice, because, as the great character Craw said, the problem with people who go to church is that they try to be holier than Jesus. And that's the secret that is all our own: because of Jesus, we don't have to be.

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  6. being a Christian sort of sucks ? how can it suck ?

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    1. if it sucks how can you truly love the Lord if if He "sort of sucks" really ? and I am not joking

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    2. Sorry, I didn't say God sucks—but serving him requires going against your own free will and nature, which is a bummer. I mean, if you think about it, one of the reasons Christianity gets a bad reputation is because you "don't get to have fun." It's not really that we don't get to enjoy ourselves, because there's a lot of ways to do that, but if love is an action, it means doing things, and sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do.

      And that is the part where having a responsibility sucks.

      (I don't feel bad about saying that, by the way; I'm sure Jesus thought dying on the cross sucked more than anything we have to do. I don't mean to offend or attack, it's just how I perceive my faith. If my faith isn't making me uncomfortable, then usually there's a problem. But that's just me.)

      Anyway, God doesn't suck. Our responsibility to him can, but it pays off in the end.

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    3. you're right and I am very sorry for misunderstanding you please forgive me I should have not said that and if I offended you or anybody which I most like did I am super sorry please forgive me thank you and you're right about being a Christian is hard

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  7. Yeah, being a Christian can be hard. I try to think of it like this: sinful "fun" is going to end up being not so fun. Whether they reap consequences on the earth or afterward. It is also hard when people betray you or hurt you, especially since we are still called to love them.

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    1. Sinful fun does reap consequences, and I have to remind myself that while it might not happen today, doesn't mean it won't happen at all. It is very hard :/

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    2. Yeah, it is. But it is worth it. :)

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