Saturday, September 26, 2015

Opal Talk

I tried to start this post in a lot of ways, but none of them quite seemed to click and it's probably me just being a perfectionist but that's just who I am and I guess one day I'll come to terms with that and maybe I'll be a bit happier.

See, lately, my head's been filled to the brim and I've had Twenty One Pilot's on repeat and I keep asking myself why it's me, why me, because I'm a good girl, I play by the rules (expect that day where I was late to class several times) and I work my hardest so why me?

In english (let's not talk about grades yet) I'm studying The Hollow Men by T. S. Eliot and I think what if I turn out like this, what if I fall between gaps into a shadow and I never leave and I never do anything remarkable, what if I'm just a passive person, part of the machine, what if I am just doing what I'm told?

Sometimes people don't do what you expect because they know themselves well enough to know what's right for them and I watch on with jealously because they are sure of themselves, I'm still waiting to be like that, I think the only thing I know for sure is that I need coffee to survive but maybe that's a good place to start?

I've read enough books to know that you're supposed to find your place in the world sooner of later and so I wear a mask of confidence because high school is just one big masquerade anyway and I hear if you don't join in you miss out on all the fun.

Are we ready to talk about grades now because they always come up sooner or later and the truth is that I blew most of my exams and I don't know how, I failed one of the english mocks and my teacher asked me how I thought I did before he gave me the grade and I was just trying to breath and I couldn't answer properly and-

I had to leave my calculus mock before I finished it, I had to go to a meeting, for a science opportunity, we talked for half an hour or so and they promised to get back to me (it was a toss up between me and someone else) but see I'm not quite science-y enough, I never am because I like english too.

It was a rough two weeks and I made some good choices to move forward, to make myself into something I want to be and I don't think all of my choices will be easy but it's always easier to talk the walk than walk the walk.

The thing is that I'm a Christian and I don't have many Christian friends so I spend most of my time with people who don't believe the same thing as me, who make assumptions based on the label, so I've been trying harder to be kinder and more friendly and show them that I'm just as confused as them.

I can be aloof and I think it's just my way of protecting myself but you can't live life like that and yes I think I wish I had more Christian friends but I like my friends but at the same time it can be hard to see the line in the sand so I've taken a step back to see what effect they are having on my life and it's taking a while to work through that.

I've always been a small group of friends sort of person but now I'm trying to spread out and meet new people even though I'm awful at it because people and sometimes when I'm walking from class to class I think I'll vomit with anxiety from wading through people.

Anyway, I know I will never be perfect and I know that sometimes no matter how hard you work, things don't work out and I'm learning that it's okay not to be top of the class, I'm learning that if I remember to breath, things look better and that I need to slow down and do one thing at a time.

Maybe you understand sometimes quiet is violent.


  1. Wow, this post was awesome. It's so good to see I'm not the only one going through stuff like this :/

    The thing that I have to keep reminding myself is that no matter how lost I feel like, everyone else is feeling pretty lost too. For example I keep saying that I want to be an engineer but do I really, or is that what I feel like doing because it's what's expected of me? And other people must think I have it together because I think I want to do this and that and I do get good grades but really I'm quite lost. (And on a side note, you phrased it beautifully. Forcing yourself to be someone you don't want to be.) I know I keep thinking you have it together, but apparently we're all lost together.

    Being aloof to protect yourself is the story of my life. Add that with shyness and introversion... In other words, I TOTALLY GET YOU.

    (And grades don't define you forever. It's getting harder and harder to believe that in our society, especially because it seems society wants total perfection (sports, music, grades, fitness, beauty, creativity, etc. ect.). So while I'm sorry that you didn't do very well and I'm sure you'll do better next time, you kinda have to play the game of not letting it define you.)

    And "sometimes quiet is violent." That was awesome. (Awesome phrasing, not awesome for application to life.) Sometimes stuff builds up and the only way to deal with it is to keep it quiet.

    Anyways, sorry for this long comment and you basically just summed up the past six weeks for me. I'm sorry you're going through all this, but thanks for sharing and phrasing it all so beautifully.

  2. Okay well um...

    1. I started out in Algebra 2 this year, failed, and am now repeating Algebra 1

    2. At least three projects from three different subjects have been over a day late (and I'm only one month into the school year)

    3. A small group of friends? Hmm, for me it's more...exactly one person my own age that I see maybe twice a month if I'm lucky because I'm homeschooled and literally afraid of people and don't know how to speak to anyone so during social situations I either hide in the bathroom, pretend to be engrossed in a phone that's already dead, or smile at everything that's said instead of responding with words.

    Idk if this helps but I wanted you to at least know that someone is sucking at life (and has been for like two years tbh) and basically doing way worse than you.

    This is definitely a rough patch for you and just from your blog I can tell you're a resilient and determined person and you'll rise up out of this and kick life's butt (yes this is my version of a pep talk and no I've never give one before which is probably why it's going the way it's going) Either way, being a Christian is definitely going to help you out--with a combination of constant prayer, Bible verses (one that's my favorite for situations such as this is "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us."--Romans 8:18), and Twenty One Pilots lyrics.

    Keep going strong, girl. You got this. No, wait--God's got this.

    O | Life as a Young Lady

  3. Life's kind of sucks for me (I mean, it shouldn't right now because it's my birthday). My grades were going out of control, I made myself to be isolated from everyone, and I wasn't happy because I was constantly thinking about the future, but the worst part is, I would have to give up my only solace and just continue on feeling miserable. The thing about life is that even though it appears to stink, it does get better. God will make it better. Stay strong, m'dear.

    xoxo Morning

  4. Hey Opal, beautiful post, thank you for writing it. I totally feel you on the whole friends can be really, really rough. I've gone through multiple periods of my life where I haven't had friends who have shared my passion for Jesus. I'll be praying for you, that God would bless you with courage and strength, and that you would be aware of His comforting presence! Also, that He would bless you with good, strong, Christian friendships...think about what God is trying to teach you in this time, though! I'm going through a period where my friendships are kinda limited and my best friends live pretty far and we can't talk often for a bunch of reasons, and it does stink...but God has been showing me so much in this time. Again, stay strong, and praying for you!!

  5. Oh, Opal. What am I supposed to say? I am so impressed that you shared this with us, just because I don't think I could ever do the same. Granted, that's because my mother reads my blog and I don't trust her, but whatever. It's clear that life may have taken a plot twist that you weren't anticipating, but I think that all I can say is that you're experiencing so much and I would encourage you to just keep experiencing it and reacting. Like you said, SILENCE IS VIOLENT. And sometimes, if you don't let that violence come out of you like a tornado—in discussions with your friends, in your writing, in constructive action—then it's going to turn into something worse. I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know that you are loved. You are strong. And you are brave for sharing all this.

    And hey, if you need a Christian friend to vent to, I totally volunteer to listen (if that doesn't sound creepy and if you need it and all that good stuff). Sometimes the hardest thing about taking deep breaths is doing it alone.

  6. I like this post. It's very honest. Very relatable.

    I'm in college and to be honest I still feel uncertain of myself and have no idea where I'm going. I'm still figuring things out. And I know I'll always be learning. But sometimes it's nice to know what's coming up next, you know? Unfortunately I don't. Sometimes I think God has just set for me to live a life of uncertainties and that I am supposed to ultimately rely on Him (which I ought to anyways), and just stay flexible for what He has for me next.

    I've never gravitated to having a lot of friends. Just a few. It seems though since growing up takes life over, those few friends have married and left. I visit them sometimes, but I haven't made new friends. I don't people easily. I get so self conscious just walking around the campus or sometimes even at work. I tell myself to be more friendly and outgoing, but there's not many people I see that I want to get any closer to. Not in a snobby way. But because I know that getting closer could mean they influence me in a negative way. Perhaps I guard myself a little too much.

    I'm at a writer's conference actually. And today I sat at a table by myself until someone came to sit at the same table. You know who? Two kids. About twelve-ish? I can talk to kids better than peers and adults, but still, it took me a while to start conversation. But when I did, they kept it up for themselves. :) They were pretty cool kids. But I'm not going to lie, sometimes one of them had to encourage me a little to talk and not simply listen to them.

    So I guess I'm saying don't feel alone. Everyone goes through it. And don't feel bad about needing room to breathe. Recently, I've had to be more standoffish with people I would otherwise not be. Simply because I need to know what God wants for my life, not what they want for my life, and sometimes their presence is a little too loud. God will definitely help you through this time. I know it doesn't always feel like it, sometimes it seems like it never feels like it. But sometimes you have to battle what you feel with what you know is true. And it is very true that God is fighting for you, with you. Let Him help you and lean on Him. He will never let you down.

  7. Wow. I love the thoughts stream here. You should do more Opal Talks. :)

    "what if I'm just a passive person, part of the machine, what if I am just doing what I'm told?" That got me harder than I would have thought. We're all kind of well-oiled machines, following the status quo, doing what we're told from the moment we're born because we trust society to tell us what to do. You may be talking about your friends or family or something bigger, but I understand what you mean.

    I know what you mean about having Christian friends, but I guess for me it's the opposite. At one point, most of my friends were Christians, even my family was Christian witht he exception of my dad. It did feel like a line in the sand at the time, because I was alienated a lot when it came to the topic of religion. The label 'athiest' often comes with 'immoral', although I had my own set of morals. This guy stopped liking me because he found out I wasn't a Christian. :') But yes, "Christian" holds it's own label. I hope you find people who understand you on that level.

  8. I totally get this post, and I love it so much. I think I've experienced many of the same worries and questions as you, and I'm so sorry you failed your English mock. It feels like favorite subjects are always the ones that take the hardest blows when it comes to testing. Hopefully you'll be able to sort through some of this soon, and hopefully you'll find your social life balances out a little. I don't think I'm really brave enough to try to broaden my friend base, so I applaud you for your courage. :)